I meet new people all the time. The question always comes up if I have kids or not. It is a pleasantry in conversation that everyone uses to get to know others. When you are battling infertility, this question is one you always try to avoid and never quite know how to answer. For a long time I would avoid answering or try to make a joke out of it to spare that person from being uncomfortable with my response or me breaking down in tears. How do you really expect anyone to respond to "No we do not have kids, I battle a condition and have been diagnosed infertile"? Being more open about my struggle has made it much easier, but there is always a little sting when I have to go through the whole explanation of why.
One common response to break the uneasiness is always suggesting adoption. I know this is an option, but I want to know what pregnancy is like. What does it feel like to grow a human? To have that little wiggle or kick in the ribs. To see your belly growing and not because you ate too much chocolate cake. To have something that is the perfect combination of you and your husband. While the possibility of adoption is always in the back of my mind, it is definitely not my first choice and I am not ready to pursue that.
Another common one I get is "Don't try so hard" or "stop worrying about it, it will happen" or "as soon as you stop thinking about it, that is when it will happen". First off, thanks for the nice words. However, one does not ever really stop thinking about it. When it will be your first child, there is no toddler to distract you. Even if we are not currently trying (by medical standards) the thought never leaves my mind. Every month at "that time" you always wonder if that will be the one, just to be thrown back into reality that you still have not been granted the privilege of a child. The thought, the hope, the slight disappointment and heartache is always somewhere just under the surface.
Pregnancy announcements: this always leads me to mixed emotions of excitement and jealousy. While I am happy and excited for friends, there is a nagging feeling of envy. Why do they get that joy? What about me? When is my turn? For a long time I would hide those posts on Facebook because it would hurt too much to see them. It is embarrassing to admit that you are not happy for other people when that is the one joy you cannot wait to experience yourself.
I guess the message I am hoping to convey in this post is just be compassionate. We do not need anyone to offer advise or opinions, we get it is an uncomfortable conversation. A simple "I am sorry" is sufficient. Emotions are a roller coaster ride, especially when there are hormones involved with treatments, so protect yourself from potential danger and just be our friend.
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